Monday, December 30, 2013

I Never thought I would say I was thankful for this past year.....

I have been writing this blog in my head for the past week.  I have been pondering over this past year and reflecting on what I  have learned, what I have gained, and what I have lost ( I am not talking about my weight either). This morning in my time with the Lord I was thanking God for what I walked through this year.  Now if you would have  told me in February or March that I would be thanking God in December I would have laughed at you.   The year 2013 was the hardest year of my life.  Many times I would yell..I HATE THIS YEAR IS IT OVER YET??? Some days I felt like I had no more to give and there was no way I am going to make it. As I sit here in Starbucks with my tea in hand and looking at my calendar I see that this year is coming to an end. When did this happen? Well it happened once I stopped yelling at God at how much I hated this year and focused on what God wanted me to gain from this year  then it went by a lot faster.  I am not saying that I will not have troubles and hurts in 2014.  I don't believe there is some kind of  magic in the turning of the year, but I do know we gain a new perspective in a new year!
"Rejoice in your suffering, suffering produces perseverance, perseverance character and character hope."
Romans 5:3
This year started off with a Bang! Right after a fun week in the dessert with the family I came home to a life changing moment.  I got a phone call that my mom was admitted in the hospital.  At this time we didn't know what had happened but we soon found out.  She had a stroke.  This opened our eyes up to so much.  During this time my sister and brother and I had to come together to figure out what are we going to do with her and how are we going to take care of her. It was very stressful and hard and I hated every minute of it! A lot of phone calls had to be made and going through all of our moms things was not fun.  From the hospital she was moved to a rehab facility and this was a time saver as we tried to figure out what was our next step.  Just for those of you who don't know my relationship with my mom up to this point  had been very Rocky, hard moments with her.   But I also heard God telling me she is my mom and I needed to respect her and help care for her. We did a lot visiting and taking care of her even when she was there in the Care Facility.  I would take the kids to see her because I thought it was important for them to help too.  It was time for my mom to be released from the care unit  and we had no where for her to go at the time because she went mostly blind and needed help with everything! My amazing Uncle said she could stay with him for a bit while we figured it out.  Well on the way home that night after we got her settled in I heard the Lord say Honor your mom and move her into your home. WHAT?????? NO WAY GOD!!! Well God spoke to Jimmy to and  it confirmed it with me.  So we did!! YIKES!!! Those three months were so very hard! But now I look back and see how God was bringing so much of my past to the surface. So many hurts and wounds that I never let be exposed or healed.  In all Areas of my life.  I saw where I needed to work on my marriage, my mothering, my friendships and most of all my walk with the Lord.  During this time I started to see a counselor that walked me through so many things that helped me. A few times I needed a stern "CHELA what are you thinking?" During this time I could see that I either was going to fight for my marriage or lose it.  During this time I had a very special person in my life walk away from me.  During this time I lost my Grandma. A mighty women of God that taught me what a relationship with Christ looks like and what it means to be a servant to all! I got a phone call from my Uncle telling me that it was Nana that Requested me to speak at her Funeral.  I couldn't believe it and I felt so honored to be part of such a day.  She will ever be a memory to me of so many things, but most importantly the prayer warrior she was.  I know I am the Christian I am today because of the many prayers my Nana said for me.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope and certain what we do not see."Hebrews 11:1

So my mom moved in and lived with us for three months and then we moved her out and I felt a release from the Lord. During the time she lived with us all four of us Jimmy, me and the kids shared our room. One time all I wanted to do was cry and scream so I found myself sitting on the toilet in our bathroom because it was the only room in the house that there wasn't any one.  It was a challenge but I heard God say I did this more for you then for your mom.  I can believe that now. As the months have gone on my sister and I have learned a way to take care of her and it has worked out well.  I am so thankful for my sister and all her help! As the summer was approaching and the tension in our home was pretty strong I could sense that God needed me to reach out to him even more.  I needed to lay my family down in prayers. I needed to pray for my husband and kids. I needed to pray for my marriage and where we were headed. I had been in a pit and I was allowing the enemy to lie to me day after day and I was becoming this CRAZY lady!! YES CRAZY!!! Jimmy and I were fighting non stop and   honestly at this time in our lives I think he would rather stay at work then come home.  It was awful.  Not only did the beginning of the year bring up a lot of hurts, but it brought up a lot of insecurities that I have.  FEAR was a huge one. Fear of Jimmy leaving me and finding someone who is beautiful, fun and not Crazy, Fear that my kids thought I was a bad mom. Fear of being alone. Fear that I would never be used again in the ministry.  So many fears. One night I heard myself tell Jimmy I just fear that you won't love me anymore.  I heard it FEAR!!! It crippled me. Then another awful fight brought me to me knees before God and calling my closest friends to stand with me in prayer I realized something has to change in me. Here I thought I needed to change my husband, but God kept pointing his finger at ME!!! Chela you need to work on yourself!
"Trust in him at all times. O people pour out your hearts to him for God is our refuge." 
Psalm 62:8

I am your GodIn the middle of August God had asked me to start  my day on my knees before him and praying only for Jimmy, us, and the kids.   Also during this time I finally saw why God had me take a step back from my leadership at the Church.  My family is way more important.  God reminded it will be there waiting in Gods timing not mine.  Would I be able to focus on my family if my focus was somewhere else? My ministry was my family. I committed to it and to this day December 30th I  am still committed to it.  I have been fighting this battle and rejoicing in the miracles before they happen.  I know that the Victory has been won! I have never grasp onto scripture like I do now, I have never worshiped God like I do.  My relationship with Christ is stronger then it ever has been.  Ryan spoke at church one Sunday on Seasons and that they all have a beginning and end.  Well I knew this was a season.  It will have an end but I am not Rushing it.  God has given me a clearer direction of my life.  He has had people praying for us.  He even had a person see a vision over my family and to tell me that Yes Chela GOD hears your prayers and he is at work. Praise GOD!!!! Jimmy and I are doing AMAZING! We have been laughing a lot, sharing more and kissing a lot. (I love that)  and anytime the enemy tries to lie to me I fight him off with Scripture. I have seen a change in my husband.  I have seen his smile again. I have seen his fun again I have seen his passion for our family. I have seen healing in him too!  I know that my husband loves me with all his heart and I can't wait to see where he leads us as  husband and wife and as a family. I know that our family has been called to do many things for the Kingdom of God.  I am so excited! I know that the enemy is so afraid of our family, but he will NOT win! I am taking it one day at a time.
 Each new day is amazing. Sometimes I hit a bump in the road, but I know how to battle it now. I also learned that this LIFE that God gave me is not all about ME!!!! That the Enemy is very real and ready to kill, steal and destroy.  Guard your heart. Every morning when I get up I put on the Armor of God and I feel so prepared for the day and what I may battle! I know that everyday needs to start in prayer and thanksgiving even when things are amazing I will never let my guard down again.  My Husband and kids are way to important to me.

I really don't know how people go through life with no hope.  My hope is in the Lord! Here are a few things that got me through and are still getting me through this season.
*God's word 
*listening to Worship Music all the time
*my friends praying for me and with me
*The book The Power of a Praying Wife
* The Book Prayer Warrior
*Jesus Calling 

So YES I am looking forward to this new year! I am looking forward to see some of the promises that God made to me fulfilled.  I am excited to tackle this new year with a different perspective and I am ready to walk into this new year hand in hand with my love.  I don't make new year resolutions but I  make goals! I am working on those goals right now and I am excited to share them.  Not sure who reads this. But If you ever want to talk or share your heart or someone to pray with you I am here for you.

* A special thanks to:
Ryan and Johanna
Justin and Stephanie
Adam and Ronalee 
Erik and Corrine
They have prayed with me  and for my family! They sent me emails, Texts messages, and hugs when I needed them. They shared their time with us and their hearts too! They believed in us and always pointed us back to God! They never judged us or held anything against us and I am forever thankful for your Love and Relationships.
This song is an amazing worship song that to this day brings me tears, to my knees in worship and I know THAT GOD IS ALWAYS WITH ME and ALWAYS comes through!